InshaAllah you will find this blog useful. To learn more about relationship coaching for Muslim wives, go to my website

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Worst Question to Ask Your Husband

I had this epiphany while preparing for my upcoming webinar. The worst possible question any wife can ask her husband would be...

No, it's not, "Does this make me look fat?" although it's been hailed as one for quite some time. There are far worse things to ask in dire situations.

So sisters, the worst question would be,
"How do you think this makes me feel?"

The elements that make this question so disastrous are the very words used in it, and if you were to look closely you would see what I mean. You, think. Me, feel.

You have aptly identified how men function differently from women. Men think. Women feel. If you want your husband to know how you feel, tell him there and then.

Just because he doesn't share his feelings with you doesn't mean you shouldn't either. You may think that speaking out your feelings make you more vulnerable in turn, when the fact remains that doing so will actually evoke the instinctive urge in your husband to watch out for your feelings the next time around.

Give it a shot: the next time you want him to take notice of your feelings, start off your sentence with exactly that: "I feel bored watching the game for so long with you," or, "I felt hurt when you said ____" Speaking of your feelings first gives him the breathing space to react accordingly, as opposed to starting a sentence with, "You (should, ought, didn't, and so on)."

Owning up to your feelings will encourage your husband to speak about his in turn, and in case he says, "I think" in the instances where you say, "I feel," know that his word usage is different from yours and his heart is pretty much in the same place as yours is.

Replace the worst question to ask your husband with the best compliment you can give him: the ease with which you can speak of your feelings to him and you will visibly notice the change in him inshaAllah, as you will in your own relaxed body language, tone of voice and focus on the positive.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Let Me Count the Ways

My husband's laptop is filled with stickers. Stickers that have messages like, "Masha Allah I am a good friend," "Alhamdu lillah I tidy up," "Alhamdu lillah I always say sorry," and "I prayed salah only for Allah."

Such are the stickers that I place on his laptop for all the times that his traits overwhelm me alhamdu lillah. I place them on separate occasions, each has a tale of its own.

Then there are the books, that I gift-wrap and top off with a golden star, for the good days he has at work alhamdu lillah.

We also have our own Juz Amma sticker trees that we adorn with fruits for all the surahs that we memorize, our trees are placed next to one another and motivate us everyday.

I remember saving my DiscoverULife pen during my life coaching certification, wanting to give it to my husband, since he had the heart to send me despite not being able to go himself. Imagine my surprise when I came home to a red fountain pen awaiting me, to celebrate my certification. Red. SubhanAllah.

When and how do you celebrate your marriage? Do you celebrate weekly, monthly or annual anniversaries, Valentine's Day, or any days specific to your marriage that you share with no one?

Or are you amongst the multitude of Muslim wives who reply along the terms of, "Everyday is ______ (insert Hallmark occasion here)?" If yes, then do you actually celebrate everyday?

It's one thing to celebrate only the two Eids prescribed to us, and step aside from the eddy of occasions advertisements are pressing us to celebrate otherwise. It's another to not do shukr or celebrate the achievements you have as individuals constantly growing in each other's company bi'thnillah.

Are you celebrating your marriage and all that it brings you each day? Does your husband know you celebrate your marriage? If the two of you have differing answers to the last question, then you may have to rethink the ways you celebrate.

Think of the ways you would like to celebrate with your husband. Do shukr for the sheer clarity of thought of being able to think up ways, and start celebrating today.

It could be you waiting for him at the door tonight instead of in the living room, staying up while he works, or even giving him your undivided attention when he speaks to you.

"If you are grateful, I would certainly give to you more, and if you are ungrateful, My chastisement is truly severe" (Surah Ibrahim, 14:7)

I recently started taking tajweed lessons and alhamdu lillah I already have a sticker on my laptop that reads, "Excellent Qur'an Reciter." Can there be greater encouragement, subhanAllah? Imagine the amount of khayr you can bring just by celebrating all what you have in the present.

The image in this blog, the stickers that we have on our laptops plus the Juz Amma tree, all are taken from here. Who says you're too old for stickers when they still bring a smile to your face?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The "Undo Send" Option

I'm a huge fan of Google's email services because of the little tweaks that they have to offer in the, "Labs" section. For example, take the "Undo Send" feature, which gives you a grace period of 2-3 seconds to hit, "Undo" in case you hastily sent an incomplete or incorrect email.

How cool would that be in real life, to have those few seconds to take back what you said, before it actually reaches the addressee?

While reading up for my next webinar I read up an invaluable excerpt that mirrored my personal experiences and also those that I had heard from sisters around me as well: wives usually have two ways to get work out of their husbands, the first step is that of saying it with kindness, of asking with a smile, a please and a thank you. If that doesn't get the work done then most wives feel vulnerable to say it again with the same amount of warmth, so they resort to speaking roughly or repeatedly until the job gets done. Psst... this is when the wives become the naggers and the husbands, the disgruntled spouses.

Our Prophet Muhammad sal Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, "A man might speak a word without thinking about its implications, but because of it, he will plunge into the Hellfire further than the distance between the east and west."

Alhamdu lillah, all of us are innately created with the, "Undo Send" button that Google has just recently replicated in an email service. Our ability to think out our statements, being our own 'Word Editors' saves us from a whole lot of trouble for this world and the next.

Maybe nagging will help you get the work done once, twice or even more than that. It's just that once your husband does something for you, only to have you not tell him again, the weary association that he will have with helping you out will be hard to replace.

What are the ways you can ask your husband to spread out the wet towel to dry? What other ways can you think of, that includes a word of encourage and appreciation for the things he does get right without any prompting?

The APT approach that I mentioned in my, "Own Your Marriage" webinar is a sure-short way of sealing in a good habit, bi'thnillah. Appreciate, praise and thank your husband for all that he gets right and he will want to think up of more ways to get more of where that came from!

I'm going to aim higher than I started out with, I figure I don't need the, "Undo Send" option if I am my best 'Word Editor' inshaAllah.

May Allah instill barakah in all that you do for His sake.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Date Your Husband - An Exclusive Webinar

Here's your shot at being one of those couples who are seen sitting at a restaurant, the ones who're there not to eat, but to simply be. To talk, to laugh and to revel in each other's company.

Or the couple that is seen in an animated conversation in the car, looking in towards each other the entire time.

Date your husband. Be the wife your husband wants to date.

Join me on Saturday, March 13 at 9 pm GMT to show you how.

Click here for details. You can also sign up by filling out the form in the left column, and receive your access to the webinar inshaAllah.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Are You Your Husband's Biggest Cheerleader?

You must be aware of the Winter Olympics that started over the weekend. I saw a few clippings of the inauguration ceremony, and something about the way the Canadian crowd cheered on their team made me draw parallels to a healthy marriage.

Canada has not won any medals in the Winter Olympics for the past two years and their chances of winning this year is heightened by their home advantage, since they are on familiar soil and receiving the greatest amount of cheering and support from their fans.

Are you your husband's biggest cheerleader? Can he count on you to be his first and most enthusiastic fan, the one who will support him when the odds of social acceptance are against him?

Our Prophet sal Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam fondly remembered Khadija radhi Allahu anha as the one who believed in him when no one else did, she accepted Islam when people rejected him (sal Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam), and she helped and comforted him when there was no one else to lend him a helping hand.

Here's something for you to start right now: give your husband the home advantage and watch your marriage bloom in your companionship. You are the constant cheerleader, cheering him on towards his purpose. Whenever he feels weighed down by his environment, you are the one he can count on to talk him out of the doldrums.

Be constant in seeking the help of Allah azza wajjal to remain true to your emaan and support your husband by being his biggest cheerleader. This is what it takes to be raised amongst the ranks of Khadija radhi Allahu anha, inshaAllah and it all begins with one step.

Speaking of fans, have you visited my Facebook page? You can become my fan by clicking on the icon on the left column. I would love to have you contribute on my page inshaAllah.

The First of Many (Many, Many)


Alhamdu lillah, I've started this blog as another way to reach out to all of my lovely sisters, you!

I'll be putting in reflections, tips, observations, readings, conversations and anything else that will benefit your marriage and supercharge it towards the ideals that you want bi'thnillah.

I'm starting off this blog with an excerpt from a newsletter that I recently sent out to my sisters.

Do join my mailing list so you can remain informed, and up-to-date with upcoming events and newsletters inshaAllah. You can sign up by clicking here.

Psst... I'll be announcing a brand new event this Friday inshaAllah, and I know this is going to be a great hit with you and yours-at-homes!

Wassalamu alaykum,

Fatima A. Khan
Relationship Coach for Muslim Wives